Changing the world

There's a photograph of me from high school where I sit on someone else's bed, hands clasped together. I'm hiding my face behind them. The photo's slightly blurry, tinted with the yellow of the room's single incandescent bulb.

A good friend of mine took that photo, on a night when I was feeling extremely down. I can't remember why; what I do remember is what he said to me that night.

"You can't change the world; you can only change yourself so that you can fit into it."

"What a defeatist philosophy!" I thought. "Am I simply to give up and accept the world as it is?" No, I saw too many flaws in it--too many griefs, too many pains, too many evils that I could not allow myself to just live with. I listened to him that night, and while I tried, for a while, to let his words sink in, I knew I could never let them become part of my core; if I did, I would lose all hope of ever going forth and doing grand things.

Six years have passed, and I now find myself coming back to his words. At least in terms of social relations, he was right.

Today, I find myself resolutely accepting that cross-gender friendships are fundamentally different from same-gender friendships as they grow deeper. I'll also have to accept the many implications that this principle has on the nature of other forms of social relations, and on the kinds of love that a person is able to give to different kinds of friends.

My friend's words might creep into other parts of my life, too. Perhaps I'll have to give up on my dream of being a mobilizer of capital, a builder of movements, a bringer of hope and healing. Perhaps I'll learn that I don't have the strength to change the world after all, and I'll go ahead with building a life of stability and self-preservation.

Right here, in this paragraph, I wanted to put "but I wont go down without a fight."

Instead, I can only say "I don't know." I know I'll naturally want to push onwards with whatever little strength I have. I consider that an asset. I also know that if I don't keep myself in check, I'll run myself ragged and never have the strength to go out and do great things.

If you'r reading this, you can help me out here. Don't stop me from dreaming of making grand changes to the world we live in, but help me remember to take things one day at a time, and enjoy life in the present. If the opportunity to change the world comes, make darn well sure that I haven't grown so comfortable that I am unable to take it. But protect me and help me make sure I don't become consumed with chasing after that power on my own strength, either--I'll fail.

Lord, I'm here. Use me. Not my will but yours be done.