The dialectic pair, part 2

A: Ok, here's what you know. Good background, congruent values, sharp as a whip. Perhaps a few shortcomings that are being alluded to, but no outright dealbreakers.

B: Yes, and eliciting all the same feelings in me that D. did.

A: Yes. And you know we're slowly getting pulled through the door already. It feels right. But as we both know, what feels right isn't necessarily what is right. Especially not when there are so many surrounding factors at work.

B: Well, let's assume that those factors will work themselves out somehow. What's important, then, is to figure out what to do next.

A: So let's think it through. First up: your instincts on this one seem to be going squarely against your potential for being a friend to another in his time of trouble.

B: Yes, and we can therefore reduce this circumstance down to our classic dilemma--act on what is certain, or pursue the unknown.

A: But in this case, it's not clear which is which, is it?

B: No, it isn't.

A: On the one hand, you know you're in a unique position to help.

B: Am I, though?

A: I think so. You went through the same things as did he, and by God's grace, you had the support of people who had been there. They carried you through your darkest times.

B: And in some cases, friendships that had long lain dormant were reignited.

A: As were new ones, from people who saw, in you, a person in need. You are a beneficiary of their love.

B: And of their courage to love when I could offer nothing in return.

A: Thus, it is quite natural for you to want to do the same for someone else.

B: nods

A: Now the more pressing question--are you in a position to help? If this is a reenactment of last year, you know where the casting for this one is going to place you.

B: ...and that it's going to be a slightly different role this time.

A: Yes. Last time, you took the step to pull the Suitor into your world. You took the effort to discover a friend in him.

B: And my task was made much easier by knowing that he had courted her with no knowledge of my part in the play.

A: A critical factor.

B: Because I had no grounds for ill will against him.

A: Which made it easy to just get to know him.

B: And be comfortable knowing that he was indeed a good match.

A: But that didn't make it hurt less when you saw them on the dance floor together, as happy as you had once been.

B: But that was just me. I knew it was a temporary phase.

A: Yes, but it still hurt.

B: Through no fault of theirs.

A: But it still hurt. It was an irrational, self-pitying sort of hurt--you were quite conscious of it at the time. You knew it was transitional, you knew neither of them had wronged you, and you knew that you weren't looking to just put things back the way they were.

B: Yes, I wasn't; I was, however, missing all of the wonderful experiences that we'd already shared.

A: And in that time of trouble, all of those memories hurt.

B: A Grief Observed.

A: Indeed. But just like Jack, you didn't know how long the surgery was scheduled to last, or what it was meant to treat.

B: Nor did I know what would await me when it was over.

A: Neither of them could have done anything for you. When they wanted to care for you, you held in your grief, lest you jeopardize their happiness--the right thing to do, perhaps; you had other people to share it with, and they could take no action that would have changed your state.

B: If they broke up, I would have been sad for them. But it wouldn't have brought back the past.

A: Does that have any bearing on your current predicament? Should it?

B: Perhaps. The good man could do nothing more than be a good man.

A: You seem hesitant.

B: Well, you know the source of my grief--it was not that they were together, but that I didn't know my place in her life. My first instinct was to embrace the role of a friend...to be the one who could join them for an afternoon tea and good conversation 20 years down the road.

A: And up until January, you were quite confident of how that could work out.

B: Full of hope, joy, and faith.

A: Which didn't last.

B: Which didn't last. How could it, when my enthusiasm was causing her grief?

A: And you chose to actively distance yourself from her for that period of life.

B: I did. I still don't know if it was the wise one.

A: You received the advice to do so from wise counsel.

B: But could they have known how lonely and fearsome those next few months would be?

A: No, but those factors were peripheral to the situation. Had you been living life properly, would you have been hit as hard as you were?

B: Probably not. Funny how everything came crashing down at once.

A: And by God's grace and his people's love, you perservered.

B: Sit Deo Gloria.

A: So let's return to the present matter. He's reacting slightly differently than you did. The patterns are the same, but the wordings are different.

B: Yes.

A: Now if we may assume that he is as good of a man as you--as we must, lest pride cloud your judgment--then his natural course of action will be to pull away and mend himself.

B: And again, given what I believe I can offer, I must ask whether I should postpone and tend to him first.

A: Funny. I thought you would have been evaluating if he was likely to accept your help.

B: I want to, but that's too easy. All I'd have to do is say "I offered, but I wasn't taken up on it," and then go off in pursuit of my own happiness. It's a satisficing solution, but it doesn't seem to require that I have the strength to love.

A: Guess that phrase affected you deeply.

B: For better or for worse. But herein is the question--can I afford to postpone, for now?

A: Two counters for you: first, if you postpone, what's to say you're not exacerbating the situation and postponing grief that might very well be inevitable? Second, and more pressing--what if you can't postpone? What if the time to act is now?

B: You're somewhat affected by what happened last time.

A: I can accept that. Last time...last two times, you held off to see if your feelings could endure prolonged distance. Dear sir, your threshold is so high that you endured for a good two years.

B: You overestimate me, friend. Onlookers would probably write that off as indecision or timidity rather than endurance.

A: But you're not either of those things. When you know what you want, you go for it. You knew your decision flow quite well.

B: And the reason why I push back on you, friend, is that we know fair well that we were abruptly surprised last time.

A: But remember what you found out later--if it hadn't worked out, at least you would have known sooner, and been able to deal with it earlier...apart from all the other chaos in your life.

B: Fair enough. So again, the question: is now the right time to act?

A: What do you think?

B: Well, my instincts suggest that it is.

A: And now is probably the time when I say forget about doing it perfectly. Just go for it and figure out all the unknowns as you find out more about them.

B: Godspeed.

A: No, Godsblessings. May that fire continue to burn in you.